Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Liturgical Norms according to Rick

Rick Lugari (of the late, lamented City of God) offered me some liturgical advice in the comments box of my post on joining a liturgy committee. I thought that all our readers could benefit from Rick's expertise and acute observations, so here they are:
If you're serious about getting a leading position on the liturgical committee here's what it takes:

1. You MUST wear polyester pant-suits. Nothing else will do.

2. Makeup is strictly forbidden.

3. You must have a take-charge personality (read be an uncompromising bitch).

4. Read Environment and Art in Liturgical Worship by the NCCB. It will be YOUR bible.

5. Read the GIRM. It's easier to find loopholes and counter Liturgical Nazis that way.

6. God gave you a priest so he should be the center of attention. Move the tabernacle out of the sanctuary.

7. If singing is praying twice, dancing must be praying thrice. Liturgical dancers are a must have.

8. Perhaps God's greatest gift to ecclesial art is felt. You can redecorate your entire church by spending $20 at JoAnn Fabrics and the labor is free...have the CCD kids cut out Jesus fish and glue to various swatches.

9. There is nothing more holy than holding hands at the Our Father. You must excommunicate anyone who fails to comply.

10. 5 minutes for the Sign of Peace is a bit too hasty. Our brothers and sisters just can't get caught up in that little time. How many times have you left Church thinking, "darn, I forgot to ask Fred about those persistant hemoroids. If only the Sign of Peace wasn't so rushed."

11. Father is over-worked, you must ensure that there are plenty of EMEs to distribute Communion for him.

12. It must be posted that there will be no kneeling. Some people can't kneel, and it wouldn't be polite for others to kneel in their presence...it would smack of spiritual pride.

13. It would also be beneficial to change your name to something like Gerty.

There are many more tips, but I'm out of time. Good luck Gerty.
Thanks, Rick! I'm off to shop for that polyester pantsuit now!

--Gerty
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4 comments:

  1. Rick Lugari5/02/2006 12:18 PM

    Gee, thanks Gerty. I almost feel famous or something. ;)

    Good luck on your shopping spree. Just remember that navy blue polyester is a bit too common. Go for brown. Nothing screams, "You better run for cover!" than brown. It worked for Hitler's SA and it works for self-styled liturgical expert chicks too. ;)

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  2. mrsdarwin5/02/2006 12:37 PM

    I don't know -- I'm leaning toward a lovely pea-green number with huge lapels and bell bottoms. Kind of like my uncle wore to my parents' wedding in 1978.

    I don't think it'll pass muster with Darwin, though.

    --Gerty

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  3. Rick Lugari5/02/2006 12:48 PM

    LOL

    Don't worry about Darwin though. Once you're on the liturgy committee, your position as the one who wears the pants in the family will be solidified and like at church...you can do whatever you darn well please.

    If the pope can't stop you from exercising your will, Darwin won't stand a chance.

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  4. Anonymous5/03/2006 4:18 PM

    Was the fact that there were 13 entries planned, or did it just sort of fall that way? :)

    You forgot:

    14. Latin is strictly verboten. If the music wasn't composed by Haugen, Haas or Peter, Paul and Mary, it isn't worth singing.

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