Because most philosophies that frown on reproduction don't survive.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Act now, and we'll throw in another one free!


You've been on every kind of diet, and nothing seems to work! It's time to try MrsDarwin's amazing program, in which YOU can lose TEN POUNDS in ONE DAY! This fantastic program allows you to eat almost anything you want while getting smiles and compliments from COMPLETE STRANGERS! It's almost too good to be true! Your friends will be so jealous!

The program is so easy to follow:

FIRST! gain thirty pounds! It's so easy, and you have nine months to pack it all on!

SECOND! Lose TEN POUNDS (at least!) in one day!*

THIRD! Relax as the next ten pounds just melt off over the course of the next three to six months! **

MrsDarwin sez:
"I guarantee you'll love the results so much you'll follow my program again and again!"
ACT NOW and you can get all MrsDarwin's secrets for the low price of just $159.00! Or, chose our convenient installment plan: 15 payments of just $15.99 each!***


Women only. Plan may cause aches, pains, nausea, increased appetite, loss of appetite, increased sexual desire, complete loss of sexual desire, drowsiness, insomnia, varicose veins, and strange marks on your abdomen.

*It won't be easy, but the weight loss is guaranteed.

**We take no responsibility for the last ten pounds; that's your lookout. You may never lose them.

***Absolutely no refunds.


Barb said...

Does "Act now and we'll throw in another one free" mean that you're having twins? ;)

TC said...

You're not really losing that ten pounds, now are you? It's going to be with you (and getting bigger) for at least eighteen years.

mrsdarwin said...

Barb, I took the surprise package a few months ago, which does not seem to have doubled my yields. However, those who call in the next 90 minutes can get in on this great double offer!

Dubitor, I've increased sevenfold on the ten pounds I lost almost eight years ago! However, that rate of increase is not guaranteed, and I can't seem to replicate it with successive programs. Indeed, I'm starting to worry about the 2008 program, as he seems to hold steady at twenty pounds. I have friends who doubled their ten pounds in eight months (rate not guaranteed for all customers), while it took us sixteen months with no growth in sight. However, he packs more crazy into those twenty pounds than some women see in results twice his size.

Anonymous said...

I have a friend who happened on a scale at the hospital after having her baby, and weighed herself--she had GAINED a little weight! Probably epidural IV fluids, but she was NOT HAPPY!!


Christine said...

I don't know, whenever I try it, I always gain at least 40lbs. Perhaps that would make my success stories more impressive. ;)

Michelle said...

Don't forget that nausea and vomiting in the beginning of the diet may lead to weight loss prior to gaining. It took me until week 18 just to be back at my pre-diet weight, ;) At week 30 I'd still only gained 15.5 pounds. (and I started out at 102, if that's saying anything).