Because most philosophies that frown on reproduction don't survive.

Friday, May 06, 2016

What the Cuss

It's been a tough week for you. You want to cuss someone out, but you just don't have the right words to pour out some high-quality invective on whoever's making your life miserable. Well, search no more, because history provides.

In 1676 the Zaporozhian Cossacks had had it up to here with Sultan Mehmed IV, who, despite having suffered a defeat, demanded an unconditional surrender:
Sultan Mehmed IV to the Zaporozhian Cossacks: 
As the Sultan; son of Muhammad; brother of the sun and moon; grandson and viceroy of God; ruler of the kingdoms of Macedonia, Babylon, Jerusalem, Upper and Lower Egypt; emperor of emperors; sovereign of sovereigns; extraordinary knight, never defeated; steadfast guardian of the tomb of Jesus Christ; trustee chosen by God Himself; the hope and comfort of Muslims; confounder and great defender of Christians - I command you, the Zaporozhian Cossacks, to submit to me voluntarily and without any resistance, and to desist from troubling me with your attacks. 
--Turkish sultan Mehmed IV
The Cossacks were having none of this. Although they were not literary men, they put their heads together and sat down to the painstaking work of composing a letter to convey their response in precisely the right words to compliment the Sultan's many titles.

Zaporozhian Cossacks to the Turkish Sultan! 
O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are you, that can't slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil excretes, and your army eats. You will not, you son of a bitch, make subjects of Christian sons; we've no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck your mother. 
You Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw your own mother! 
So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won't even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse! 
- koshovyi otaman Ivan Sirko, with the whole Zaporozhian Host.
History does not record the Sultan's response.

1 comment:

Ann Onymous said...

The Cossacks are also the ancestors of a good portion of the people on Reddit, apparently.