Because most philosophies that frown on reproduction don't survive.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

An Illustrated Guide to Getting Off the Couch

Sure, you could go see Guardians of the Galaxy this week if you need laughs and drama, but it's going to be a lot cheaper to come to my house and watch me try to get off the couch from a supine position.

Someone who never has any trouble getting up off the couch.

First, I have to get close enough to the edge to get my legs over it. This might mean rolling over, a stop-motion form of animation in which I maneuver by degrees to my side. Bystanders start to titter nervously, and someone asks if I need a hand.

"No, I'm good," I say as I grab the edge of the couch and jerk myself over.

Once I can get a leg over, I need to get vertical. Sometimes this is accomplished by utilizing the aforementioned hand, but sometimes I like to do things the hard way, or there's no one around to haul me up. Then I tip myself slowly off the couch until the force of gravity acts on my belly and pulls my feet to the ground. Once feet are on the floor, I can continue rolling and slowly, slo-o-o-wly straighten up. If I go too fast... haha, just kidding! I don't go fast anymore.

When I'm vertical, I need to reset my pelvis before I can walk. This process can be compared to bellydancing, minus the seductive allure.

Not this.

You see, in this stage of pregnancy one's joints loosen up. Not loosen up as in "limber, like a Russian gymnast". No, the sensation is more like, "I'm not sure if my leg is still attached, except that it hurts to move." (Come to that, it probably hurts to move if your leg is not still attached.) Once the pelvis is shaken about and quasi-realigned, I can stagger around, gradually working up to an agile shuffle.You can't really blame me. Baby does weigh almost four pounds.

What a 32-week baby looks like

What a 32-week baby feels like


Jenny said...

Yes, yes, and yes! I'm 35 weeks with #7, and had to go get my driver's license renewed this past weekend... nothing like having your photo taken at 200+ pounds and 8 months pregnant for a good-for-six-years license. Lesson in humility, right?

Finicky Cat said...

A hippo, that's what I always felt like. They're large and rotund, but kinda cute, right? With those twirly ears and all? And what are hippos doing trying to get up off of sofas, anyway? Hippos should stay in the bathtub and be brought interesting things to drink, and lightweight books, and bouquets of flowers. It's only for three months! Hippos weigh next to nothing in the bathtub, and joints don't much matter, and rolling over is easy...if the tub is big enough.