How Firm A Foundation

This weekend our theater group is putting on a staged reading of a new Princess Bride/Shakespeare mashup, so it is an excellent time to assess our rapidly disappearing summer in the light of Inigo Montoya's formula: "Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up."

Anyone who needs a refresher on our chaotic summer production of Singin' in the Rain may consult the first post of the Novena for Order. This episode, while dramatic enough, has not been the only source of chaos and reorientation in the past months. Immediately after the show, our engaged daughter called off not only the wedding, but the relationship, something that was perhaps a long time in coming for those with eyes to see, but certainly a shock to the family social structure. The readjustment process is now drawing to a close, and everyone is beginning to find stability in the new normal, but the Novena for Order prayer certainly hit harder this year.

Brendan and I are very proud of our daughter for doing a hard and necessary thing, and we will always support ending an engagement rather than pushing forward into a problematic marriage. We know many people who perhaps should have broken off their relationships in the engagement period, and I myself am the product of a relationship that should have ended before marriage, and know from the inside what that looks like. I know from the perspective of a child what it looks like when parents do not build a stable foundation for marriage, and what it looks like when a child is forced to take on for themselves the foundational work that parents should be doing, work that is not proper to the child. 

The first best time to examine and strengthen this foundation for marriage and parenthood (because marriage is by its nature the foundational structure for parenthood, although not all marriages produce children) is, it should go without saying, before marriage. The best preparation for being a good spouse and parent is to become a strong, stable person, with the hard and necessary work that entails. Examine your strengths and weaknesses! Get therapy! Get right with God! The second best time to strengthen this foundation is when your children are young and you start to see how your own past and problems affect them. And the third best time is now. Now is the acceptable time! Now is the day of salvation! 

If this is controversial to anyone, it's because this is hard work, sometimes painful and sometimes immediately destabilizing as the old wineskins sometimes have to be picked apart one weak stitch at a time. The truth will set you free, but the cost is dying to yourself. I think this is why parents tell themselves that their children are resilient and will overcome the deficiencies of their early years, and why they're surprised and heartbroken when their older children cut them out of parts of their lives. 

To that end, I think marriage prep (and perhaps engagement prep) should balance focus on the theology of marriage, as important as that is, with the very practical questions posed by the annulment questionnaire, which most couples only deal with when their they're confronting a permanently failed relationship. Why should you wait to examine the pain points and stresses and tensions between two people until after the damage has been done, to the couple and to their children? 

So here, taken from the Tribunal of the Diocese of New Orleans, are the sort of questions people should be asking, of themselves and of the other, as they progress toward the commitment of marriage.

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MARRIAGE ANNULMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

I. YOUR LIFE BEFORE MARRIAGE

A. Family Background

1. Describe the life of your parents together and the way they got along.

2. Describe the way in which you got along with each of your parents.

3. Describe your relationship with your siblings while growing-up, and the birth order of each one.

4. Describe how your relationship with family members and the marriage of your parents might have impacted your views on marriage.

5. Had you experienced any problems in adjustment or emotional difficulties in adolescence or young adulthood? If so, how did these issues affect your judgment in deciding to marry or readiness to undertake on the obligations of married life?

B. Personality and Character

1. Describe your behavior toward alcohol and drugs; specifically any addictive or abusive behavior.

2. Describe your relationship with the opposite sex, dating habits, and/or any addictive behavior(s); e.g., gambling, internet, cybersex, pornography.

3. Write a brief sketch of your personality; comment on your weak and strong points at the time of the wedding and now.

II. YOUR FORMER SPOUSE’S LIFE BEFORE MARRIAGE

To the best of your knowledge, answer the following questions regarding your former spouse.

A. Family Background

1. Describe the life of his/her parents together and the way they got along.

2. Describe the way in which he/she got along with each of his/her parents.

3. Describe his/her relationship with siblings.

4. Describe how his/her relationship with family members and the marriage of his/her parents might have impacted his/her views on marriage.

5. Had he/she experienced any problems in adjustment or emotional difficulties in adolescence or young adulthood? If so, how did these issues affect his/her judgment in deciding to marry or readiness to undertake on the obligations of married life?

B. Personality and Character

1. Describe his/her behavior toward alcohol and drugs; specifically any addictive or abusive behavior.

2. Describe his/her relationship with the opposite sex, dating habits, and/or any addictive behavior(s); e.g., gambling, internet, cybersex, pornography.

3. Write a brief sketch of his/her personality; comment on his/her weak and strong points at the time of the wedding and now.

 III. MARRIAGE PRIOR TO THIS MARRIAGE

If either party had prior marriages, then list the marriage(s) in chronological order and provide the following information:

1. Name and religion of spouse

2. Place of marriage (church, hall, etc.)

3. Officiant (name and title)

4. City and state of marriage

5. If deceased, date of death

6. Divorce Decree: Where issued? Number? Who petitioned?

7. Canonical status of each prior marriage i.e., Decree for Lack of Canonical Form and/or Declaration of Nullity

8. Provide the Case name and Protocol Number and the (Arch)diocese.

IV. COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT

1. Give a brief narrative of your first meeting with your former spouse, your frequency of dating, where you went together and what you enjoyed doing on dates.

2. Describe your dating experiences and your relationship during courtship. Were there any disagreements or arguments? Did problems arise?

3. How long did you date each other before you got engaged?

4. Describe how the decision to marry was reached. How long was the engagement?

5. Describe what discussion you had about married life, its rights and duties.

6. Describe what discussion you had about the lifelong nature of your commitment. Did either of you see divorce as a “way out”? Please explain.

7. Indicate what discussions you had about faithfulness in marriage.

8. Describe your attitudes and intentions about having children. Did you agree to not have children? If so, why? If you agreed to wait to have children, was this essential to your agreement to marry? Why? Did you tell anyone of this before the wedding? Who?

9. Indicate the church preparations you had for this marriage.

10. Describe the attitudes of both families toward the wedding and who made the wedding preparations. Were they any objections? Who made them and why?

11. Tell what your friends said of your decision to marry.

12. If your relationship with each other was a sexually active one prior to marriage, when did this begin? How did this influence your decision to marry?

13. Did you feel pressured to marry? If so, who or what was pressuring you and how? Please explain.

14. Were there other factors that had a major influence on you/your former at the time? Please explain.

15. Did either of you hide anything about yourselves from each other to make sure the wedding would take place? If so, what was hidden? Did it become a problem during the marriage? Please explain.

16. Did either of you set any conditions for the marriage to take place? If so, what was the condition and who set it? Did the continuation of the union depend on this? Who knows about this?

V. THE WEDDING

1. Give a description of what you were thinking and feeling as you were preparing for the wedding, going through the ceremony, and attending the reception.

2. Describe anything unusual that might have happened at the wedding or the reception.

3. State your understanding of marriage at this time.

4. Did either of you have any serious doubts about going through with the wedding? If so, why? Did either tell anyone about your doubts?

5. Had either been drinking or using any kind of drugs prior to the wedding? Where? How much? If so, what was the effect?

If you and your ex-spouse were first married civilly and later blessed or validated your marriage in the Catholic Church, please answer questions 6-8:

6. What did you understand the purpose of the Catholic wedding ceremony to be? Did you intend to give a new consent to marriage in this ceremony?

7. What prompted you to get married in the Catholic Church when you did? Did you feel compelled to do so? Why? By whom? If so, please explain.

8. Why did the initial wedding not take place in the Catholic Church?

VI. THE HONEYMOON

1. Describe where you went for the honeymoon and the length of time you stayed there.

2. Indicate any problems or any significant events that occurred on the honeymoon that would later have an impact during the marriage.

3. Give attention to the development of the sexual dimension of the relationship with reference to any problems or difficulties encountered.

VII. MARRIED LIFE

1. Describe the beginning of your married life. Were there signs of future problems?

2. Were there any changes of character or behavior? Please explain.

3. If you had children, when were they born? Did they affect the marriage?

4. If you had no children, what artificial contraceptive measures were used? By whom? On whose insistence?

5. If there were no children, what reasons was stated for the exclusion of children?

6. Explain the contribution and the responsibility of each to the common life in terms of:

a. finances

b. child care

c. household tasks

d. support: emotional, psychological, spiritual.

7. When did you first begin to feel that there were serious problems between you? What were they? Did you talk about them? Who knew of these problems? Was counseling sought? If so, when, where, and from whom.

VIII. THE SEPARATION

1. Were there separations prior to the final separations? Why? When and for how long? What brought you back together?

2. Give the reason for the final separation; give the date; and how it came about.

3. What was the reaction of others at the news of the separation and divorce?

Please explain.

4. Have you anything else to add?

IX. THE PRESENT SITUATION

1. What is the present marital status of each party?

2. Is there a marriage(s) subsequent to this marriage for which you are requesting a declaration of nullity? If yes, explain.

3. If you plan to marry, is the person free to marry in the Catholic Church?