Because most philosophies that frown on reproduction don't survive.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Let's go to the movies!

It's been a long time since I've been to a movie theater, and I've had the yen to sit in a seat with cupholders and eat high-cholesterol popcorn in the glow of the screen. What to see, what to see? I'd been thinking about Doubt or Slumdog Millionaire, but maybe I should wait for some of 2009's stunning line-up, as previewed by Iowahawk:

Dark Spinach: Brooding, conflicted superhero sailor man (Matt Damon) must face his own inner demons and canned vegetable addiction to save his anorexic lover (Gwyneth Paltrow) in the violent screen adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel. Featuring Mickey Rourke as Bluto.

The Royal Fluffers: Lovable band of misfit stoners with Jew-fros trick Queen Elizabeth into filming a porno in this sweet coming-of-age teen fart bong sex comedy from Judd Apatow. Starring Jonah Sethberg, Seth Justinstein, Jay Justin Jonahbluth, Ron Jeremy, and Helen Mirren. (British release titled “On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix”)

Angel Soft This: In a shocking and sometimes humorous indictment of the toilet paper industry, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock documents the ravages he suffers after 30 straight days of non-stop butt-wiping.

Fearful Deadly Fear: Blacklisted 1950’s screenwriter Damon Runyan (Tim Robbins) writes a secret screenplay about the the McCarthy-era blacklists, in this 1950’s blacklist drama set against the background of the McCarthy era blacklists.

Lotta Splainin: Javier Bardem plays a verbally abusive Cuban bandleader and Cate Blanchett a neglected woman with a secret Vita-meata-vegamin addiction in this beautifully filmed marital drama set in the repressive 1950s. With Larry the Cable Guy and Kate Winslett as Fred and Ethel.

Lunch Lady: poignant story of school cook turned playground serial strangler has generated advanced Oscar buzz for star Scarlett Johannson, who reportedly gained 400 pounds, facial tattoos and gum disease for the role.


There's lots more where these came from.

4 comments:

Anthony said...

I haven't seen anything thats piqued my interest in awhile.

Last year was so great with No Country for Old Men, Atonement, There Will Be Blood. etc.

CMinor said...

Actually, two or three of the 'Hawk's offerings sounded promising...

Bernard Brandt said...

The only two comments that I have to Iowahawk's parody of modern "hip" movies, and the whole genre of modern "hip" movies, are the two which follow:

1. Gag.

2. Puke.

Anonymous said...

I renounce movies! The list as to why is just too way too long. With the world as it is aren't Catholics better off begging Our Lord for Mercy in front of the Blessed Sacrament than watching Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and another thousand idiots (Sorry.) in movies with plots so dumb....