Because most philosophies that frown on reproduction don't survive.

Monday, January 19, 2015

10 Women That Men Should Under No Circumstances Marry

My main task yesterday was to write a lot of novel (and I did get 1,000 words done for the next installment of The Great War) but I also go side-tracked into having way too much fun with a riff on Facebook. Calah Alexander had posted a link to one of those a-bit-reasonable-combined-with-a-lot-stupid lists of highly generalized relationship advice entitled 10 Women Christian Men Should Not Marry. Clare Coffey, who blogs sporadically over at Babes in Babylon, contributed a much more useful list, which Calah has recorded for posterity in a post, which includes such essential advice as:
3. Enchantresses. Yeah, good luck preaching the Word when she makes toads fall out of your mouth every time you open it.
4. Women Who Have Been Turned Into Bears.
5. Keepers of Alehouses. These bawdy temptresses will turn you to demon rum and popery.
6. Selkies. No matter how well you think you’ve hidden her sealskin, trust me, you haven’t.
7. Mermaids. Often confused with selkies, but they will actually just drown you.

Read more:

I couldn't resist getting in on the action, so here is my list of additional relationship danger signs that every guy, Christian or not, should keep in mind:

11) Women you have to bring back from the afterlife first.

No matter how sweet that youthful love was, once she's dead it's best to leave her there. Women who have spent time in the underworld before marriage can never rest easy.

12) The king's wife.

Yes, you've had some chivalrous moments together, but is it really worth loosing war on the entire kingdom over?

13) Semi-goddesses who have spent long ages surrounded by rings of fire.

If you do, however, at all costs avoid taking a potion that will make you forget her and marry someone else. Vengeance will be swift and terrible.

14) The most beautiful woman in the world, whom all your friends also wanted to marry, and then had to promise to go to war to bring back if she was stolen.

Surely the terms and conditions should tip you off as how this could go wrong.

15) Enchantress-priestess-princesses who offer to kill their relatives and help you steal an ancient treasure of her kingdom to complete your quest.

Yes, it seems like a big help, but that is exactly the kind of girl who will kill your children and send your new girlfriend a poisoned crown after a big fight.

16) Volatile teenagers whose cousins you've just killed.

I shouldn't even have to tell you this, you perv.

17) Ambitious Scottish noblewomen with a propensity for killing royal house guests.

Yes, they seem loyal and tough as nails, but they crack under pressure. Stay away unless you're prepared to buy all the perfumes of Arabie to sweeten her little hands.

18) Pretty much anyone in the Julio Claudian line.

Watch I, Claudius if you don't believe me.

19) Daughters of any king who thinks it would be a good idea to retire and divide up his kingdom among his favorite kids.

You'll find yourself caught in the crossfire. And are you starting to get the point about marrying royalty?

20) That foreign princess whom you'd never seen before, who treated her maid so badly when she arrived that the maid has to tell her troubles to a kitchen appliance, and who also asked you to cut the head off her horse.

Surely this should have tipped you off that something funny was going on.

However, that woman who never speaks but is always knitting thistles into shirts, the one everyone is telling you is actually a witch: Don't listen to the haters. She's a keeper.

1 comment:

totustuusmaria said...
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