Because most philosophies that frown on reproduction don't survive.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Oracle of Starbucks

Think you know your personality type? Think again. The Oracle of Starbucks will tell you all you need to know about yourself (and then some) when you describe your Starbucks order of choice.

I rarely go to Starbucks (if I ever have an urge to drink coffee I can rely on Darwin to brew me a fine cup), so I had to search my memory for what I ordered last time I was there, but I think it was a tall tazo tea in some kind of orange flavor.

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: Pseudo-intellectual

You're liberal and consider yourself to be laid back and open minded. Everyone else just thinks you're clueless. Your friends hate you because you always email them virus warnings and chain letters "just in case it's true." All people who drink tall tazo tea orange are potheads.

Also drinks: Sparkling water
Can also be found at: Designer grocery stores
Darwin opted for a tall straight espresso.

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: Asshat

You carry around philosophy books you haven't read and wear trendy wire-rimmed glasses even though you have perfect vision. You've probably added an accent to your name or changed the pronunciation to seem sophisticated. You hang out in coffee shops because you don't have a job because you got your degree in French Poetry. People who drink tall straight espresso are notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don't understand.

Also drinks: Any drink with a foreign name
Can also be found at: The other, locally owned coffee shop you claim to like better
H/T Fructus Ventris


Anonymous said...

Darwin's is funny.

Mine is rather harsh:
"Personality type: High Maintenance

You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.
Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars"

Geez, I guess I better watch my back.
Hopefully everyone I know orders tazo tea and is too stoned to come up with a really good plan to kill me.

mrsdarwin said...

Hey, at least your personality type isn't "Asshat". I think that's the funniest word I've heard in a long time, and I'm fighting off a growing unfortunate temptation to drop it into casual conversation.

Anonymous said...

I'm also high maintenence. I think I had a Strawberries and Creme Frappacino (sp?). I forget the size. Hey, it was free, you know from the one at the Randall's nearby. I went with a blended creme because I can't stand coffee. I must say, the personality assessment is quite inaccurate. Martini bar? HA! You'll find me at a Draught Emporium.

Anonymous said...

Hey, it could be worse. I am Clueless, and most people who like my drink (iced caramel macchiato) are strippers. Well, I was hoping to find a new job...

PB said...

I tried the two things I might get there and got the same answers already listed (except asshat was ass-clown with a similar description).

Just for kicks, since my next trip to a Starbucks will be, for all things, a job interview I decided to type job interview in there and got this:
Either you can't type or you mumble incoherently. If you actually walked into Starbucks and said you wanted a "Job interview" the employees would point and laugh. A reaction you're probably used to. Try again, this time input something that Starbucks actually serves.

If it helps your midwest readers, I know that Kroger has Folgers on sale right now, that's what I will be drinking.

Patrick said...

While I've never had an espresso in my life, the "Asshat" description scares me.

* I have at times carried philosophy books to the laundromat, etc (though I was at least in the process of reading them).

* I don't need my glasses, really, unless I'm driving. I wear them anyway. They have wire rims.

And most distressing:

* I have in fact de-Anglicized the pronunciation of my last name.

Fr Martin Fox said...

I got the same response as Darwin, for what I order almost every time I go: Venti Americano, no room.

"You carry around philosophy books you haven't read..." I laughed, till I changed "philosophy" to theology...

No wire-rimmed glasses, none at all, so far.

Actually, Fox used to be Fuchs . . . my ancestor Adam Fuchs changed it, at the time of the American Revolution.

I have a job; no degree in French poetry, although that's pretty funny.

"notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don't understand." Close, except I'm more prone to angry, conservative opinions; or angry opinions about liberals I don't understand.

Fr Martin Fox said...

Oh--and I think "asshat" is funny, too, even though I have no clue what that is supposed to mean.

Fr Martin Fox said...

Just for fun, I went back and typed in other orders, to see what came up. This response to "half decaf americano" split my sides:

Personality type: Freak

No person of sound mind would go to an EXPENSIVE COFFEE SHOP to get a drink WITHOUT CAFFEINE. Your hobbies include going to ski resorts in the summer and flushing $5 bills down the toilet. You are a menace to society.

Also drinks: Non-alcoholic beer
Can also be found at: Pools with no water

Anonymous said...

That is funny, Father. And I don't think anybody could blame your ancestor for changing the last name. :)